Self
Help: How to Make Yourself Irresistible
I’ve learned a secret
about what’s going on 99% of the time when someone is not giving you the
respect, admiration, or love you
want.
It’s a secret that probably not in 1 in 1,000 people will
ever figure out on their own.
Think
about the last time you felt unappreciated at home or work.
Didn’t at least part of your distress stem from the fact that
you had no idea why this person wasn’t
responding to you?
I
think the REASON why we don’t figure
out the secret to making ourselves irresistible is that it’s the opposite of what we’ve been taught about
relationships.
Let
me explain…
Most
of us are taught that when a relationship is struggling, we should be extra
nice, thoughtful, and giving.
These
are wonderful qualities, and we should all strive to have them. In my view,
these qualities enhance all relationships.
However,
they are NOT the key to getting respect, appreciation, or love from people
who are withholding it from you.
How
To Make Yourself Irresistible To Anyone
Take
out a piece of paper and draw a circle in it. Then, put the initials of the
person you’re seeking appreciation from in the
middle of the circle. Now, put your own initials outside the circle.
Here’s how the circle works.
Whenever
you are inside another person’s
circle, this person has trouble connecting with his respect, admiration, or
love for you.
In
the extreme, he may even develop contempt for you.
Whenever
you are outside his circle, he appreciates you. He is attentive and
considerate. He goes out of his way to connect with you.
The
key to making yourself irresistible to someone is to stay outside his or
her circle.
The
circle applies to all relationships: your friends, your lover/spouse, your
co-workers, and your children.1
How
We Get Inside The Circle
We
get inside another person’s circle
by leaning on him psychologically.2
You
lean on someone psychologically when you use your connection with him to
gain energy, happiness, or self-acceptance.
On
some level, you want this person to lift you up.
Because
of this, you violate a basic rule of attraction between people: Any
person pursued runs away.
Sometimes,
we lean on people in obvious ways:
We
wait around for them instead of making plans;
We call them and tell them we’re
lonely or miserable;
We call too often;
We check up on them and judge their choices;
We complain about their lack of consideration; and,
We lay guilt trips (“you should have called”).
However,
often our leaning is much more subtle:
1)
We talk too much. Most people talk too much and cannot control how much
they talk.3
This
says, ‘Please give me your attention’.
2)
We talk too much about ourselves, especially in an effort to impress
people.4 “You work
for Shell? I know their Vice-President of Human Resources.”
This
says, ‘Please give me your approval’.
3)
We act victimized and cold when we think some is not giving us the time or
attention we think we deserve. “I just
want you to put in a little effort.”
This
says, “Please show me I’m worthwhile.” It
also says, “I want
you to conduct this relationship my way.”
4)
We are overly giving, and set aside our personal needs. “I’d
really rather go somewhere else, but it’s no big deal.”
This
says, “I want your approval so much I’ll put
you ahead of me. Now, in return, please give me appreciation I want.”
5)
We criticize people in an effort to control them. “Why don’t
you get a job at the golf course this summer? It’s better than being on MSN
all day.” Or, “You’ve got to put in A LOT more hard
work if you want to beat the Conference Champions.”
This
says, “Please turn into someone different so
I can feel good about myself.”
6)
We dote on people with over-the-top affection. “You’re
the most magnificent woman I've ever seen, and I can’t believe how lucky I
am.”
This
says, “I’m not sure I’m worthy of you.”
Here’s why psychological leaning repels people:
When
you lean psychologically or emotionally on people or toward them, it makes
others feel uncomfortable.
They
resent the weight you are laying on them, and they will react by denying
you.
They
don’t like your self-indulgence, and your
insecurity reminds them of their own vulnerability; it rattles them.
Animosity builds.
Consciously
and subliminally, they sense the weakness your leaning creates.
It
robs them of energy and crowds them; they have to buy into your needs and
emotions when they would prefer to concentrate on their own.
They
don’t like the imposition, and often they
react negatively, even if they don’t
say so.
Alternatively,
they accept the imposition of your weight, but then they feel they can take
advantage of you emotionally, sexually, or financially.
They
will feel empowered to use you or deprecate you or discredit you in some
way.5
If
you’re like most people, you will
violently resist the idea that you are in any way responsible for the rejection
you’re getting.
Most
of us desperately want to believe that the other person is ‘the problem’, and that if he or she would just respond to
us, everything
would be fine.
I
don’t wish to imply that you should feel
ashamed if you are doing these things; we all do them from time to time.
These
are natural responses to feeling rejected.
Even
psychological leaning itself seems to be an instinctive part of
relationships.
I
am merely pointing out that if you want to be more successful with another
person, you might want to consider moving outside the circle.
The
other person will immediately appreciate you more, and you will feel proud
of yourself for being more effective in the relationship.
That’s the beauty of the circle. You can always jump outside it
and become irresistible again.
In
my next mental toughness bulletin, I will explain:
- Why we lean on another
person psychologically even though we know she’ll
react badly
- How to be ‘stand
tall psychologically’
- How to stop unconsciously
blaming another person for your hurt feelings, and
- How to immediately get
outside the circle and become irresistible again
1 MacDonald, Homer. Stop Your Divorce, 1998. 2-5 Wilde, Stuart. Silent Power, 1998.
For
more free mental toughness tips, go to www.thecouragetowin.com
Advanced Self Help Institute
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